Comments on: The Emotional Investment of Teaching & Difficult Parents – A Request for Advice and Discussion http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/ Tips and Resources for Private Music Teachers and Performers everywhere! Thu, 09 Feb 2012 02:51:51 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Beth http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-122660 Beth Wed, 12 May 2010 15:35:01 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-122660 Brittany, I really appreciated your thoughts on this subject. I too lost a student recently and felt that grief - glad to know that it's not just me. It truly is an emotional investment with the students ...considering that sometimes ( a lot of times ) it's a lot more than the music - we become a counselor that listens to what is happening in a child's life and there is no one else to hear what they need to say.. I have a little one whose parents are divorced and she is shuttled back and forth between her mother and father and grandmother..her mom just moved in with her new boyfriend and so there is yet another new house..leaving pets behind, more children in the household, etc... and there is this sadness that she carries around. We have a relationship with our students and breaking up is hard to do. I like your blog a lot. Thanks for sharing. Brittany, I really appreciated your thoughts on this subject. I too lost a student recently and felt that grief – glad to know that it’s not just me. It truly is an emotional investment with the students …considering that sometimes ( a lot of times ) it’s a lot more than the music – we become a counselor that listens to what is happening in a child’s life and there is no one else to hear what they need to say.. I have a little one whose parents are divorced and she is shuttled back and forth between her mother and father and grandmother..her mom just moved in with her new boyfriend and so there is yet another new house..leaving pets behind, more children in the household, etc… and there is this sadness that she carries around. We have a relationship with our students and breaking up is hard to do. I like your blog a lot. Thanks for sharing.

]]> By: Kids Music http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-117710 Kids Music Wed, 21 Oct 2009 08:41:24 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-117710 Your blog is like an encyclopedia for those who want to know more about this. Thanks for the interesting information. Your blog is like an encyclopedia for those who want to know more about this. Thanks for the interesting information.

]]> By: Craig Cortello http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-116739 Craig Cortello Sun, 11 Oct 2009 04:01:59 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-116739 As one who has never taught music, I can only speak from the student's perspective. I had a guitar teacher whose encouragement and support turned music into a life-defining experience for me. I can still remember his hearty laugh and smile when I improvised a lick on the guitar as he played the chords to some jazz standard and said, "That's cool, man." I didn't even consider his emotions when I called it quits, but I can say that that experience stays with me always. Take comfort in the fact that regardless of the term of the teaching engagement, you have changed lives. As one who has never taught music, I can only speak from the student’s perspective. I had a guitar teacher whose encouragement and support turned music into a life-defining experience for me. I can still remember his hearty laugh and smile when I improvised a lick on the guitar as he played the chords to some jazz standard and said, “That’s cool, man.”

I didn’t even consider his emotions when I called it quits, but I can say that that experience stays with me always.

Take comfort in the fact that regardless of the term of the teaching engagement, you have changed lives.

]]> By: Kate http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-115965 Kate Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:35:30 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-115965 Thanks so much or your article! I think we are all in agreement that you have handled the situation professionally and there's not much more that can be done. We do have an emotional investment in these students and it's very hard have to let them go (often suddenly). I have comfort in knowing now that I'm not the only one that experiences this. Thanks again for your openness! Thanks so much or your article! I think we are all in agreement that you have handled the situation professionally and there’s not much more that can be done. We do have an emotional investment in these students and it’s very hard have to let them go (often suddenly). I have comfort in knowing now that I’m not the only one that experiences this. Thanks again for your openness!

]]> By: Cindy Nelson http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-115531 Cindy Nelson Mon, 28 Sep 2009 09:07:39 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-115531 Hi Brittany I just had 2 students quit this past Saturday in just the same way. One is 6 years old and attached to me AND quite talented. The case involves Mom having breast cancer however so it is a bit different than usual. Mom will call this week to set up 1 makeup that they have coming...she wants to play in the Halloween recital. I will offer free lessons for the time being for this student. Just because I don't want to lose her and I have taught a student or 2 free of charge if they can't afford lessons to do a bit of community service. I'm not sure if they can't afford it anymore or if they feel they will be too busy. I will offer to go to her home as well. The other case is Joel who wants to play guitar and not piano. That is fine, but I have had Joel for 2 years! He's a nice kid who listens well and smiles when you talk with him. I found this out after Joel had walked out of my studio (I teach in a music store) and I never saw him again. His Mom talked to me just after the Dad who informed me that Patricia's Mom just had surgery the week before so by that time Joel was out in the car! And I got a double wammy! What a day. Yes...we do get emotionally attached and so do the kids. A few weeks ago a parent informed me that her son is too busy with football to continue. The student was fairly new (3 months). They were a no show for 2 weeks...I do have students pay in advance, but payment was due the 1st week they no showed. I billed her and of course have seen no payment for the 2 weeks. I wrote on the bill that I was expecting him so that is why they are getting a bill!!! The nerve of people! Last year I had a student of 2 years walk off without paying for 2 months!! Now that was my error for continuing to teach and not keeping up on if lessons were paid in advance! These people seem so responsible to me...that is what I fail to understand. I am new to studio management with Music Teachers Helper and am confident it will make me much more aware of who has paid and who hasn't. I will add a 2 week notice to terminations and hope for the best. Kids are my favorite people and all of my students (I have an average of 40) are like nieces and nephews to me...so yeah it hurts terribly when people just walk away...and it is a grieving process. Hoping the shared experience helps. Hi Brittany

I just had 2 students quit this past Saturday in just the same way. One is 6 years old and attached to me AND quite talented. The case involves Mom having breast cancer however so it is a bit different than usual. Mom will call this week to set up 1 makeup that they have coming…she wants to play in the Halloween recital. I will offer free lessons for the time being for this student. Just because I don’t want to lose her and I have taught a student or 2 free of charge if they can’t afford lessons to do a bit of community service. I’m not sure if they can’t afford it anymore or if they feel they will be too busy. I will offer to go to her home as well. The other case is Joel who wants to play guitar and not piano. That is fine, but I have had Joel for 2 years! He’s a nice kid who listens well and smiles when you talk with him. I found this out after Joel had walked out of my studio (I teach in a music store) and I never saw him again. His Mom talked to me just after the Dad who informed me that Patricia’s Mom just had surgery the week before so by that time Joel was out in the car! And I got a double wammy! What a day. Yes…we do get emotionally attached and so do the kids. A few weeks ago a parent informed me that her son is too busy with football to continue. The student was fairly new (3 months). They were a no show for 2 weeks…I do have students pay in advance, but payment was due the 1st week they no showed. I billed her and of course have seen no payment for the 2 weeks. I wrote on the bill that I was expecting him so that is why they are getting a bill!!! The nerve of people! Last year I had a student of 2 years walk off without paying for 2 months!! Now that was my error for continuing to teach and not keeping up on if lessons were paid in advance! These people seem so responsible to me…that is what I fail to understand. I am new to studio management with Music Teachers Helper and am confident it will make me much more aware of who has paid and who hasn’t. I will add a 2 week notice to terminations and hope for the best. Kids are my favorite people and all of my students (I have an average of 40) are like nieces and nephews to me…so yeah it hurts terribly when people just walk away…and it is a grieving process. Hoping the shared experience helps.

]]> By: Brittany Frompovich http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-114709 Brittany Frompovich Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:00:14 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-114709 Thanks everyone for commiserating. At the very least it has been great to understand that I am not alone in this situation and that other teachers go through this too! Thanks everyone for commiserating. At the very least it has been great to understand that I am not alone in this situation and that other teachers go through this too!

]]> By: Brittany Frompovich http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-114708 Brittany Frompovich Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:59:18 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-114708 I do bill in advance, and charge a late fee when people miss the deadline. I was asked by this family two months ago to work with them as finances were tight. I guess that's what I get for "working with them." I do bill in advance, and charge a late fee when people miss the deadline. I was asked by this family two months ago to work with them as finances were tight. I guess that’s what I get for “working with them.”

]]> By: Valerie http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-114707 Valerie Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:56:30 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-114707 P.S. On a practical level, have you considered billing in advance? I always bill and require payment at the beginning of the month, so if they then miss, they forfeit the lesson fee (except in mitigating circumstances, of course). P.S. On a practical level, have you considered billing in advance? I always bill and require payment at the beginning of the month, so if they then miss, they forfeit the lesson fee (except in mitigating circumstances, of course).

]]> By: Valerie http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-114706 Valerie Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:51:19 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-114706 Brittany, Thanks for this article- I agree that you are brave to be so honest, and I found it helpful to know that I'm not alone in this kind of situation. I think you have handled the situation professionally, and there's not much more you can do. I do understand how hurtful it can be though- it's happened to me also, and I'm sorry you had to experience that. I've had situations with students dropping me for charging them for lessons missed. I also recently had a regular student's mother tell me at the end of the lesson that they were moving away the following week and wouldn't be back- so, no notice, and also (which upset me much more) no chance at all for closure with the student, who was only six and quite attached to me. Some parents just don't seem to understand and honor the depth of relationship that can develop, and then their kid suffers too. Brittany,
Thanks for this article- I agree that you are brave to be so honest, and I found it helpful to know that I’m not alone in this kind of situation.

I think you have handled the situation professionally, and there’s not much more you can do. I do understand how hurtful it can be though- it’s happened to me also, and I’m sorry you had to experience that.

I’ve had situations with students dropping me for charging them for lessons missed. I also recently had a regular student’s mother tell me at the end of the lesson that they were moving away the following week and wouldn’t be back- so, no notice, and also (which upset me much more) no chance at all for closure with the student, who was only six and quite attached to me. Some parents just don’t seem to understand and honor the depth of relationship that can develop, and then their kid suffers too.

]]> By: Leila Viss http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/the-emotional-investment-of-teaching-difficult-parents-a-request-for-advice-and-discussion/comment-page-1/#comment-114616 Leila Viss Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:56:33 +0000 http://www.musicteachershelper.com/blog/?p=802#comment-114616 Brittany, I know that feeling well--like a bee sting that keeps stinging with more intensity first and then it begins to wear off. I also notice that discussing the memory of a situation such as yours can be just as painful as the initial "sting". Thank you for your openness with your feelings. I too, had a situation where the student and I connected very well and she thoroughly enjoyed lessons with me. However, the parents refused to sign-up for one of my required summer options--camps, small amount of lessons...and decided to find a new teacher. As in your situation, it sounds as if the parents are placing themselves first, before the child's best interest. Unfortunately, you are without pay, which shows very little respect for you on the parents part. However, they will know the loss eventually and will also, in the end, respect you more for sticking with your policies. In addition, you will be happier with yourself by protecting your own interests and taking charge of the situation by stopping lessons. You are not "forced" to drop the student, it is clearly termination due to policies not being followed by the parents. (Unfortunately, there will still be the pain of the lost student.) No much help, but perhaps commiserating is OK sometimes? Brittany,
I know that feeling well–like a bee sting that keeps stinging with more intensity first and then it begins to wear off. I also notice that discussing the memory of a situation such as yours can be just as painful as the initial “sting”. Thank you for your openness with your feelings.
I too, had a situation where the student and I connected very well and she thoroughly enjoyed lessons with me. However, the parents refused to sign-up for one of my required summer options–camps, small amount of lessons…and decided to find a new teacher.
As in your situation, it sounds as if the parents are placing themselves first, before the child’s best interest. Unfortunately, you are without pay, which shows very little respect for you on the parents part. However, they will know the loss eventually and will also, in the end, respect you more for sticking with your policies.
In addition, you will be happier with yourself by protecting your own interests and taking charge of the situation by stopping lessons. You are not “forced” to drop the student, it is clearly termination due to policies not being followed by the parents. (Unfortunately, there will still be the pain of the lost student.)
No much help, but perhaps commiserating is OK sometimes?

]]>